Spider webs and flies

Looking at the world through the gaps on a black net… That is how coagulated blood in the eye look like..

Days past and it is still there… Still there but transformed. No longer is it a red red spot. In its place, a black net. Looking through the net, I see a world I cannot see. Flies swarm the net, surrounding it, like little insects homing into the spider’s silk only to be ensnared into a certain and unending conclusion.

As the jelly in my eye floated around as my head moved, so did the net, and so did the flies. I saw a yellowish tinge, faint, but there. Sometimes, the net would seemingly look like it was clearing up, I now wonder whether or not it is my own imagination or was it really clearing up… Because it never did.

A net is trapping and limiting. The net of denial trapped me in a realm of self consolation, always reassuring myself that I am OK… I am not. The net of denial limited my abilities to judge, to see, to think and to seek advice about how to free myself from the net in the eye.

Thoughts of a person in denial…

The mishmash of reasons and justification was always present and I was always right. I would always and always have a reason

Work, “its OK”, “it will go away by itself”

A constant loop of self reassurance to stay in denial and not face the the nets head on.

COWARD

This loop went on for 6 months before I finally had enough of the net in the eye and said, its time to have something done about that net. I already knew, at that point, that the only way was a surgery into the eye to get that thing out and yes, that is the only way…

They say the 1st step is always the hardest… It took many many turns and turns and turns… To step through the thresholds of the Polyclinic gates…

And so begins my journey into the healthcare system.