Throughout my year on dialysis, I had always say that I do not want to go through the kidney transplant surgery. There were many things in my mind that stopped me from wanting it. Things like the risks for both me and my mother, the hospitalization stay, recovery period etc. There came a point in time when I accepted that, maybe dialysis for the rest of my life wouldn’t be so bad.
Looking back, I think those were a front, like a coping mechanism for the mind to accept the reality that the transplant is never going to come.
My transplant coordinator said that I looked so disappointed and was always complaining about not being able to get the transplant early. Before she told me that, it had never occurred to me that I was complaining throughout. I thought I had accept it. Deep down somewhere, I had not and it showed up all the time without me being aware of it.
It has become a routine, the schedule for dialysis. I went for my 4 hour sessions every Monday, Wednesday and Friday so that I can have the weekend free. During the weekends, I would bring my birds for a spin on my electric scooter. I could not have rode a normal bicycle. My hemoglobin was still low and I get breathless easily from exertion.
This fella accompanied me to many places on my escooter. Riding around was free. I felt a lot of freedom just riding aimlessly from 1 point to another, not thinking about anything. Wonder how this fella is doing now…
During my year on dialysis, I remember this lady. She was extremely chatty and jovial. An ex teacher. She always joke about random things and interact with all of us patients. She is from the afternoon slot so sometimes, I will see her when i arrive for my shift at the machine.
1 day, I heard from another patient that she was urgently ward for fluid in her lungs. It just happened without warning, at a shopping mall, while she was waiting for her husband outside the toilet.
She passed away on the same day.
One can never predict what will happen next.
This path I walked is not what others should follow. 