Afraid to die alone

A friend shared with me that her cousin passed away, leaving 2 kids and a wife behind. He was around my age, mid 30s.

This triggered a memory in me.

There was a period of time, around 1 and a half months before going into the hospital for emergency dialysis, where I was afraid to be alone. I would always look my mum and want her near me. I would get her to sleep in the same room as me at night, almost as though I won’t see her anymore in the morning.

In the day when there were people around me, I would be fine. At work, at the MRT station, bus stop, everything is alright. I did not feel the need to be near a particular person. It only happens when I am alone, when I would start looking around for a person so that I would not be alone.

This lasted until i was admitted into the hospital.

I guess the body knows when things are bad and sub-consciously, I don’t want to die alone and not be discovered. Or is it a survival mechanism, in case I lost consciousness, I will be discovered and rushed to the hospital.

In any case, what I experienced as my last moments drew near was the need to not be alone.