Looking at the world through the gaps on a black net… That is how coagulated blood in the eye look like..

Days past and it is still there… Still there but transformed. No longer is it a red red spot. In its place, a black net. Looking through the net, I see a world I cannot see. Flies swarm the net, surrounding it, like little insects homing into the spider’s silk only to be ensnared into a certain and unending conclusion.

As the jelly in my eye floated around as my head moved, so did the net, and so did the flies. I saw a yellowish tinge, faint, but there. Sometimes, the net would seemingly look like it was clearing up, I now wonder whether or not it is my own imagination or was it really clearing up… Because it never did.

A net is trapping and limiting. The net of denial trapped me in a realm of self consolation, always reassuring myself that I am OK… I am not. The net of denial limited my abilities to judge, to see, to think and to seek advice about how to free myself from the net in the eye.

Thoughts of a person in denial…

The mishmash of reasons and justification was always present and I was always right. I would always and always have a reason

Work, “its OK”, “it will go away by itself”

A constant loop of self reassurance to stay in denial and not face the the nets head on.

COWARD

This loop went on for 6 months before I finally had enough of the net in the eye and said, its time to have something done about that net. I already knew, at that point, that the only way was a surgery into the eye to get that thing out and yes, that is the only way…

They say the 1st step is always the hardest… It took many many turns and turns and turns… To step through the thresholds of the Polyclinic gates…

And so begins my journey into the healthcare system.

Photo by Phan Anh Tran on Unsplash

Who doesn’t love bubble tea? Seriously, that ice cold, sweet, smooth and creamy texture sliding down your throat. And wait, surprise surprise. within that smoothness contains a surprise! Mildly sweet, a faint sweetness right there, these chewy little black spheres adding texture and excitement, a huge contrast to the velvety feel of the tea. A cacophony of textures, a clash of worlds in your mouth. Something that leaves you wanting for more.

The mask of “healthy” tea and “reduced” sugar hides a face so sweet so sweet, that you will never expect slow poison. They say poison is sweet, never bitter. They say poisons give you the high, only to slowly drain your life away like that of a succubus, draining the life out of the poor victim while giving the person a high so high.

I remember my last cup of bubble tea was a casual caramel milk tea with pearl from a little dingy shophouse located near. I slurped down its contents and felt contented and took a nap at home before going about my usual business.

The next day, peaceful as the same. All was well at work and I decided, why not take a bus home? I get to nap on the bus. As the bus trudge on and on, from Shenton to Serangoon, I slept without disturbance…

I peeped through my eye lids to get a hint of my location. Something was amiss. There was a red mark in my sight. Remembering that moment still send chills down my spine. I wonder, what this red spot is, I thought it was the color I see when light shines through the eyelids and it would vanish in awhile.

It didn’t.

Maybe after i wake up the next day? Maybe. I hoped.

It’s still there.

Its… blood.

I loved my whiskey and my cigarettes.

A shot of good whiskey on the rocks made me feel like a man. Paired with a full flavored cigarette and bam! You are instantly elevated to a higher status. I got into the happening crowd and became someone else… Or did I?

As a young 20over year old, I felt that I was immortal. Nothing could stop me, the world is my oyster. I smoked a pack of 20 a day and had weekly drinks. As a young dude finding his place in society, I lived in an illusion.

Not the faintest hint of what is happening in my body came into my mind. I did what a normal undergrad would do. Some partying, some wild moments, all in the name of fun. It was fun… while it lasted.

The signs were beginning to show… Signs of bad times to come.

Woke up this morning with an image in my mind. An image of a logo for this site. 2 letters appeared, W and T.

At 1st I thought, its just the initials of my name, simple. But soon I realize, the image in my mind is not just 2 letters. There is something about the placing of the letters…

Ideas come to me in the wee hours of the morning, that is when i am my most creative.

Looking at the placing of the letters is in my mind, I finally got what my mind is trying to tell me… It’s not William Tan.

W is in blue and T is in grey. W stands for wings and blue is a color of freedom. T is Torphaine, which is me. Grey being my stoic, solemn self. Torphaine has wings of freedom to fly and to express.

Is that it? that’s not. W is also Wendy, my mother’s name. Wendy is within me, I will always be 50% my mum. Why within me, her kidney is within me. Her kidney is my wings of freedom, freedom from the sufferings of dialysis and my gateway to possibilities, wings within me to help me fly.

I guess everyone has their own wings within us, most of us just don’t realize that its wings as it has been taken for granted.

The kidney gave me back health, something which many has taken for granted. Do not clip your own wings. We can only appreciate and cherish what we have when we acknowledge its existence.

Much of my life after the diagnosis past without much noticeable symptoms. When I felt hungry, I ate, a lot. When I felt thirsty, I drank. When I felt sleepy, I slept. The clinics kept calling, I kept rejecting, until one day, the calls stopped.

“Good riddance!”

“I felt fine, why do I have to bother getting bad news after bad news? Always saying blood sugar is high, the looming of the insulin injections.” I thought. Chronic life long disease with a need for long term medication the doctors called it. Bah, I’m feeling OK and i am having none of that nonsense.

When I was serving NS, I did not have any medical appointments. I rarely fell sick and went to get MC for off days from duty. After all, I was a clerk and I did office hour shifts. Maybe I’m one of those weirdos who actually liked my NS experience.

On average, I drank a can of soft drink every meal. Wash the food down with a can of ice cold coke. It was damn. GOOD. That rush of carbon dioxide, that long burp after. I finished a can of coke in 3 mouthfuls.

Bubble tea, oh yes, we have bubble tea back then. Sugar level? Didn’t have a choice, it was always 100% with pearls. And how we love shooting the pearls onto the walls and ceiling like some primal tribe blowing darts. Poison darts. Favorite flavor was caramel.

In fact, I loved almost anything with caramel. Caramel macchiato, caramel latte, caramel WHATEVER! I could even have caramel NEAT.

Young at 20ish, feeling fine, feeling energetic, having that constant sugar rush and sugar high. I was high on sugar.

Actually, I am not very good at writing, so here goes. I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes when I was 16, during a routine blood test to enter Temasek Polytechnic. Type 2 diabetes is the type where the body gets so resistant to insulin that the blood sugar starts to rise. Type 1 diabetes is the one which is caused by the dysfunction of the cells that produces insulin.

Well, being a naive 16 years old, I only thought, “YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS, I CAN DONT WORK HARD FOR NATIONAL SERVICE!”

For those who don’t know, National Service is this thing in Singapore that requires all male citizens to serve the nation by being a soldier for at least 2 years.

With the news that I am diabetic, I was happy, for I will not be combat fit and will be assigned clerical duties…

I lost my kidneys and almost my sight to type 2 diabetes 3 years ago. I got a new kidney from my mum 2 years ago and have since survived an accident and moved on to reverse diabetes, successfully removing all diabetes medication and completing the Spartan Sprint. This is my story.

What is my agenda

Why am I doing this?

• To spread the word that type 2 diabetes is not a life long chronic illness that requires medication to control.
• To debunk the myth that once you have type 2 diabetes, it is hopeless and it is not reversible.
• To give people hope that there are methods that do not require medication or supplement to get yourself back into health.
• Type 2 diabetes is a lifestyle disease, only a change in lifestyle can cure what a bad lifestyle has done.

Diabetes and obesity can be prevented and reversed. It is not as hard as many would think.

I want to get my story out. The story about how a young teen who was diagnosed with diabetes went straight into denial and created an illusion of immortality for himself, rationalized early demise with the “die young die pretty” mindset only to come to regret later on.

I would love to connect with people who are silently suffering from the disease, those people who do not dare look at diabetes in the eyes and tell it “I will crush you.”