The mindset of a diabetic sugar addict

“I know exactly what to do to counter this.”

“It’s a short life, I’ll just eat whatever I want and think about it later.”

“I don’t want to see, I don’t want to know.”

“I don’t want to miss out.”

All these things went through my mind when people tell me to control my diet, tell me to exercise, tell me to watch what I’m doing and go for blood tests.

Thing is, we are never truly in control. If we are, there will not be addicts in this world. We are controlled by society, by impulses, by instincts, be pleasure, by ego, by pride, but rarely by ourselves. Take a look at what shapes your decisions to eat that piece of cake. To buy that property, to buy that watch. Especially when you cannot afford it and go through with it anyway.

It never looks nice to be addicted to something, be dependent on something and be hooked onto something.

I chose to look the other way. I knew exactly what this addiction is doing to my body. And I still chose to look the other way and let it play out.

I told myself it is better to die young and leave a pretty corpse to be displayed at my funeral instead of having an old shriveled raisin lying there for people to see. Isn’t this what a funeral is about? To look good even at death.

It was a self fulfilling prophecy that I will get in trouble at 30.

I did.

I foresaw my own demise and my own funeral. Talked about wanting people to party and be happy instead of crying and sulking while i past through whatever gates I am suppose to.

The thing about life is, it never gives you what you want. You will never get the quick clean death you think you can get when you are sick. Death when you are sick, will come slow and painful. When you are young and it comes, it comes even slower when every single cell in your body goes into survival mode and tries to hold onto what little life it has.

External forces will through every resources they have to keep you breathing. The doctors, hospitals, loved ones. But the single most powerful force that comes into play that keeps you breathing will be yourself. The will to hold on and not let go, to find all means to stay alive just so that you can see sunrise again and when you do, it will be the most beautiful thing you see.

Death is never about you, it is about the people you left behind to pick up your pieces.