This path I walked is not what others should follow.

Surgery – Finally being able to face forward

29 days and at 2359, I finally stood up and faced forward for the 1st time for more than 15 minutes after 1 month.

I laid face down, 23 hours a day for the past month religiously without fail to ensure that my left eye has the best chance of having sight. All I had were audiobooks for entertainment and the occasional visit from friends. These were visits that I wished could last forever.

The doctor told me that I will never have perfect vision back for that eye because I delayed treatment. There will always be a huge chunk of blind spot on my left and the vision field will be constricted. To what extent, only time can tell.

At 1st, it was darkness. The retina was disturbed and swollen, there was no light, only darkness. The doctor say it will come back slowly and he was confident, or so he sounded.

Eventually, days turned to weeks.

It was safer to just stay on the bed and not move around much other than follow ups.

humans have 2 eyes to have a 3D view of the world. I only had 1 eye, everything to me was flat. I could tell where the steps were and will sometimes trip and fall thinking its flat.

All the ugly yellow lines you see on steps and pavements? They are there to help people like us who see everything as flat. Even today, I depend on these lines as cues, especially at night. The treatment took away much of my light sensitive cells so I am almost blind in dark places as my eyes take longer to adapt the the surroundings.

My doctor will always tell me that I only have 1 good eye left. And I agree. A reminder of how precious sight is.

At around the 2 week mark, I finally noticed light in my left eye.

Slowly turning to shadows, then very blur lines.

Doctor told me it is because I have silicon oil in my eye and the vision will get clearer after the oil is extracted.

I should have figured earlier that what went in must come out somehow. And that was how I know that I have a 2nd surgery on the left eye 1 year after the 1st.

Fear, it keeps us alive and keeps us from being alive.

I don’t want to look bad.

I don’t want to be wrong.

I don’t want to go up to that stage and address a crowd of eager listeners of my new and brilliant idea.

When was the last time you made a choice because you want it to happen? When was the last time you transcended your fears and did something extraordinary?

Fear stopped be from facing reality and going for treatment when I needed it. I treated dialysis as a dead end. I thought I was alone in this world.

I thought I was going to live to 30 and die.

I thought. What else have I been thinking? That little voice in there, somewhere, telling me that something is going to kill me.

Was seeking treatment really going to kill me? Was I really alone in this world fighting this battle with diabetes alone? I created an illusion for myself to feel safe while the disease slowly rots me from within.

That little voice has many names… Survival instinct, fear… To name a few. It keeps you safe, it keeps you from taking risk. It keeps you from being alive. In my case, it nearly killed me.

By refusing treatment for diabetes, it brought forth the full set of complications. Eye problems, heart problems, kidney problems and there might be more that is not known. It affects blood vessels, which are all over the body.

I end this post with a question…

Has fear, that little voice, stopped you from doing something that would have given you joy and completeness today? That would have given you the aliveness you deserve.

The mindset of a diabetic sugar addict

“I know exactly what to do to counter this.”

“It’s a short life, I’ll just eat whatever I want and think about it later.”

“I don’t want to see, I don’t want to know.”

“I don’t want to miss out.”

All these things went through my mind when people tell me to control my diet, tell me to exercise, tell me to watch what I’m doing and go for blood tests.

Thing is, we are never truly in control. If we are, there will not be addicts in this world. We are controlled by society, by impulses, by instincts, be pleasure, by ego, by pride, but rarely by ourselves. Take a look at what shapes your decisions to eat that piece of cake. To buy that property, to buy that watch. Especially when you cannot afford it and go through with it anyway.

It never looks nice to be addicted to something, be dependent on something and be hooked onto something.

I chose to look the other way. I knew exactly what this addiction is doing to my body. And I still chose to look the other way and let it play out.

I told myself it is better to die young and leave a pretty corpse to be displayed at my funeral instead of having an old shriveled raisin lying there for people to see. Isn’t this what a funeral is about? To look good even at death.

It was a self fulfilling prophecy that I will get in trouble at 30.

I did.

I foresaw my own demise and my own funeral. Talked about wanting people to party and be happy instead of crying and sulking while i past through whatever gates I am suppose to.

The thing about life is, it never gives you what you want. You will never get the quick clean death you think you can get when you are sick. Death when you are sick, will come slow and painful. When you are young and it comes, it comes even slower when every single cell in your body goes into survival mode and tries to hold onto what little life it has.

External forces will through every resources they have to keep you breathing. The doctors, hospitals, loved ones. But the single most powerful force that comes into play that keeps you breathing will be yourself. The will to hold on and not let go, to find all means to stay alive just so that you can see sunrise again and when you do, it will be the most beautiful thing you see.

Death is never about you, it is about the people you left behind to pick up your pieces.

Surgery Day – Recovery Room

It’s done.

I was wheeled to the recovery room after they patched me up, covered my eye in gauze and covered the whole thing with an eye shield.

AHOY ME MATEYS!

There was only 1 thing on my mind now…. HUNGRY!

The nurse quickly served up a cup of piping hot milo and a packet of soda crackers. I asked for 2 packets instead. They were worried that I might puke or feel giddy due to the anesthesia.

No, I was just damn hungry. These crackers dipped in milo was the best thing on earth a hungry dude can ask and wish for.

I gobbled the stuff in an instant while my mum went to do the paperwork so that I can get home. I was still hungry, though not as much.

The doctor came out, briefed and reminded me of how to go about recovering, 1 month, face down, 23 hours a day. Only time I could walk normally is when I go to the toilet and when I ate. Then he left and said that he will see me 2 or 3 days later to review his handiwork.

I remember having a vegetarian dinner that day. I was dead beat, tired from the anesthesia I suppose.

I reached home, setup the massage bed and made myself comfortable on it, for the next 30 days….

Surgery Day – The Surgery

I laid on the operating table waiting to be wheeled into the operating theater.

Feels like a specimen about to be cut open actually, just laying there, then sitting up and looking around.

It was quiet, not many people around. I don’t find lying down comfortable so I just sat there and waited, consciously keeping my mind blank.

I had read about what this surgery is going to be like and I could visualize the whole procedure in my head, having 3 needles in my eye which is pried and kept open.

A nurse appeared and wheeled me into the preparation room. Friendly and bubbly lady, full of smiles. I don’t know how I know she’s smiling, she’s wearing a mask. I just know, somehow.

She went through the paperwork and briefed me about the surgery that was about happen. Everything was fine and dandy until…

“WHAT?! LOCAL ANESTHESIA?! I THOUGHT I SAID I WANT GENERAL?!”

Nurse: “Doctor said you didn’t want a tube down your throat.”

Me: “I said I wanted a tube down my throat, I want to sleep!”

Nurse: “I go ask the doctor k, you wait.”

After a few minutes…

Nurse: “Doctor say GA can, but you must wait 3 more hours.”

After a few minutes…

Me: “Screw it, let’s get it over and done it.”

The nurse went to get the doctor and he soon walked into the prep room.

“I’m glad you made the right decision.”

They inserted the IV into my vein and told me that they gonna give me a sedative. Truth be told, both the surgeon and the anesthesiologist are extremely experienced judging from their age (that’s almost all i know about the one putting me to “sleep”.)

They covered my face with a sterile cloth. I can vaguely make out the words “mask”. I was slipping in and out of consciousness at that point. I can remember a bright light then 2 needles poking into my eye.

I didn’t feel anything. It just looks like 2 lines entering into my visual field. Then they started moving and as they move, it gets darker and darker.

I can hear the conversations going on…

“scarring tissue”. “endolaser”. “Silicon oil.” “Stitch”.

Thing about having a Professor operating on you is you kinda know that you are part of a lesson or lecture. These conversations sounded like a practical session with the teacher showing students what is happening to the specimen. I couldn’t know for sure, only hearing snippets here and there.

It didn’t feel like 90 minutes. Shorter.

Before I know it, he told me its done and I will be wheeled out to the recovery room.

That’s it, the 1st surgery of my life… the 1st of many that is to come.

Surgery day – prelude

“The eyes are the gateway to your soul.”

Blood test cleared, paperwork cleared. Everything was expedited to ensure that I get this surgery quickly.

The only reason why I passed by blood test is because I gamed the system by revving up my exercise and activity levels and removing sugary drinks from my food intake before heading to see the doctor.

Off I went to SNEC. I was dreading this day, not knowing what to expect and not knowing what was going to happen. I had a hard time going to sleep the previous night.

A friend brought me out till late. I was just dragging my waking hours longer.

Time to seems to past quickly when we sleep doesn’t it?

The nurses made a mark right above my eyebrow to state that this is going to be the eye that was to be operated on, so that there will be no mistake.

I sat quietly in the waiting area with my mum, expecting to be summoned any time. It did not take long.

Instead of being in utter chaos in my mind, there was a resigned silence. Peace before the storm I suppose, the storm which is about to take place. I know it had to be done, to save my windows to the world… Or what’s left of it.

In front of me is a door. I remember looking at the door and thinking to myself:

“Beyond this door, I will be on my own.”

A can of worms

I was one of those people who always think that “going for a medical check up means opening a can of worms, no problem also become got problem!”

The only problem I had was the problem of denial.

When I stepped through the doors of the Singapore National Eye Centre at Singapore General Hospital, I was greeted by the usual eye assessments. Checking eye pressure, reading letters etc.

The eye doctor from the previous night took a look at my eye again and this time, she was accompanied by an eye specialist. After looking at my eye and having no idea what to do, she escalated my case to a retina specialist.

I just have to say this, the young doctors in that facility are lookers. Be it male or female, they look good.

The retina specialist could not figure out what to do for my eye. Guess this means I’m in really deep crap now. She told me that she has to “call my boss.”

After awhile, 15minutes maybe? This older doctor came in, sat and down introduced himself as his name. No titles, no designation. Just a name.

He took a look at my eye and said softly, “wolf-jaw retinal detachment.”

He turned to the specialist and said, “Not as serious as you mentioned.” On hindsight now, maybe he was just trying to reassure me that he is confident that he is able to save my eye. You see, a retinal detachment in the wolf-jaw configuration is when the retina is attached from both the lower and upper end of the eye and it threatens the fovea, the spot where light gathers to form a sharp image for the retina.

He then turned to me and said, “can do. We do this Friday. Sign the papers.” “Prepare the surgery forms.”

The specialist went: “So fast?”

He replied: “Do you want him to change his mind?”

Wait what? No need to check operating theater schedule, no hassle. Mind you, I entered A&E on Monday, SNEC on Tuesday and immediately scheduled for an operation on the coming Friday. And this guy can do this with a snap of his fingers. He is SOMEBODY.

Seeing my hesitation while the specialist went to prepare the paperwork, the continued, “If we don’t do this quickly, not even me can save your sight.”

I guess this is it then, my 1st surgery. Ever.

I signed the papers and he took a closer look at my eye, describing how he will go about the surgery. He described the whole process as painting an artwork, each stroke and each cut, “like pencil on paper.”

I walked out of the consultation room, flabbergasted. There was no time for me to react. I have no idea who is doctor is, no background, no information. But at that point, I just trusted him and signed on the dotted line.

That was it. Friday beckons.

I still trust him till today.

Experiencing Diabetic Retinopathy

Photo by v2osk on Unsplash

What is it?

Diabetic Retinopathy is a condition that affects the eyes of an uncontrolled diabetic. As the glucose in the blood increases, it leads to blockages in the tiny blood vessels within the eye that supplies oxygen to the retina.

In a later post, I will attempted to explain:

WHY THE HECK BLOOD PRESSURE INCREASES AS BLOOD GLUCOSE GOES UP!

Hint: Go take a look at how sugar syrup behaves when it is flowing.

Anyway, as these little blood vessels get blocked and choked, the eye will attempt to grow new blood vessels to supply oxygen to the retina through a process call Angiogenesis. Angio meaning blood vessels and genesis meaning birth. The issue with these new blood vessels is… Its weak and will leak.

Stages of Diabetic Retinopathy in Singapore’s healthcare system.

Mild
At this stage, call nonproliferative diabetic retinopathy (NPDR). A mouthful, yes. In short:

WAKE UP AND START CHANGING YOUR LIFESTYLE, YOU STILL CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

It means that the new blood vessels have started growing but it is still at its infancy and bringing glucose down will likely stop it from progressing any further.

Moderate

At his stage, the retinopathy has started to proliferate, grow outwards, and has started leaking more fluids and blood into your vitreous jelly, that clear jelly thingie when you open up and fish eye if you eat them. Simply put:

STILL NOT WAKING UP?! GOOD LUCK.

Your doctor will most likely prescribe a treatment call photo-coagulation at this point to close off leaking vessels. Trust me, if your doctor can prescribe you non-invasive treatments, he/she most likely will.

Photo-coagulation is the process which the doctor shoots laser beams into your eyes to burn and seal the blood vessels. Pew pew pew!

Severe, the stage where I was in.

At this stage, scarring tissue starts to form from the bleeding and the scarring tissue pushes your retina out of the place where it is suppose to sit on, a condition called retina detachment. Explains the crumpled vision on the sides as mentioned in my previous post. Simply put:

YOU’RE SCREWED.

The only thing the doctor can do is to bring you into the Operating Theatre, poke 3 needles into your eyes and start removing the scarring tissue and blood. Then the doctor will use an intraocular laser to burn off the blood vessels that are leaking. Yes, the doctor sticks a laser gun into your eye and starts to PEW PEW PEW in there.

After all the laser renovation, the doctor will inject an air bubble, or silicone oil into your eye to hold your retina in place, at the back of your eye. And yes, those clever people who guessed it, you need to be on your belly for 23hours a day for a month to save your eyesight.

After that, he will stitch you up and tell you you are done.

Did I mention that you will be awake throughout this? And how do I know? BECAUSE I’VE BEEN THROUGH IT.

How do I know it is happening? Surely I can see it, its in my eyes!

Do you think your doctor make you go back to them to check your eyes because they need to make your money?

See, bad news it, you will absolutely not detect anything. Without the doctor looking at your retina and the vessels growth, there’s not a chance you will know that you have it. Period. Follow up with your doctor’s appointments for your eye checks.

Prevention

For heaven’s sake, in order to prevent or solve a problem, acknowledge that you have a problem.

If your glucose is high, fix it. Your doctors only know medicine. Your dietician and nutritionist knows what they are taught. If it works for you, use it. If not, there are other ways.

I nearly let diabetes take away my sight and it still has permanent effects on it. Don’t walk my path.

Diabetic Retinopathy

How many fingers do you see?

The simplest question an eye doctor will ask.

Not an easy question to answer when there is a monstrous clot floating around in your left eye. What I did not see was that the vision has already started to crumple on the sides. Bad news.

The doctor at the Polyclinic ordered a retinal photograph to see what is going on in there.

Flash.

He could tell me nothing, just that something is very wrong in there and I need to go to the Accident and Emergency department.

A few days back, I have researched about retinal bleeding and diabetic retinopathy. I know exactly what was going on. The bad news is, there is something that I did not notice. My peripheral vision, the sides of the vision field, was crumpled.

The clinic also took a vial of blood from me for blood tests…

Off I go, to Singapore General Hospital and got a number. After 7 hours of waiting, they finally located an eye doctor to have a look at my eye…

Not one but two…

I have not been honest.

Photo by Dana DeVolk on Unsplash

Having 2 of them who are out to kill you using sweetness is never a good idea. Enter the icy one. Having a good time with both of them at the same time never fails to send me into the overwhelming high of pure ecstasy.

Smooth, silky and sweet. What else can I use to describe this lovely being. Dressed in a crispy outer layer which I slowly peeled away with my mouth, teasing its luscious contents with every flick of my tongue, giving it an occasional nibble so that I can get more of it.

Sometimes, I’d switch over and give a good suck on the protrusion, sending a gush of chewy spheres and fluids into my mouth, washing everything down with a good gulp.

I loved them. They bring so much pleasure to me when I with them. Sometimes I’d have them solo, simetimes I’d have them in each hand and sometimes, I’d have them in each other. I could do anything to them and they would still give me that high that I am always after.

Never has the thought of them slowly killing me from the inside crossed my mind… Not even once. I shut it all out, out of my consciousness, out of my awareness. I just wanted to bask in their presence and enjoy the moment.

The price of the thrill is something that was deferred… Something that I could not afford…